A Journey of Accompaniment: The Pregnancy and Parenting Group
By Sabina Fila
About two years ago, I had the great pleasure of listening to Alicia Lieberman as she presented on having expanded their Child-Parent Psychotherapy work to expecting parents. She was, as always, moving and funny, sharing the depth of her thinking and being with people in this transition of life. That re-awoke in me a desire to do more work with individuals and families who are traversing this very special time in life, the transition to parenthood, that can be so rich, so complex, so challenging, and so magical all at the same time.
I had three guiding principles:
Have a co-facilitator, a praxis that I have embraced in the last several years. I much prefer teaching, presenting, facilitating, consulting… not alone but with another. Whatever the similarities or differences between us, co-facilitating stretches you beyond your lens and biases to be open to the other’s experiences, approach, body of knowledge, longings, and limitations. And ultimately the group benefits from it.
Make it accessible. Wanting to reach out to create community, it was important for us to take down as many barriers to participation as possible -- financial situation, insurance coverage, geographical location. We wanted to offer a group that is ongoing and that invites people to “attend as they can” and “miss if they have to,” recognizing that lives are complicated and trying to meet people where they are. “Show up as you are” – that is the invitation. You may be sick of throwing up all the time, or sleep deprived, feeling really excited about what’s to come, or thinking it was the worse decision in your life. There is space for all of it.
Affirm the person and their experience. I am dating myself when I share that when I was pregnant, I had one sonogram in the whole pregnancy. Now the medical appointments have mushroomed--frequent ultrasounds, diabetic screenings, genetic screenings, Group B Strep, and on and on. Of course, we are grateful for the advances in prenatal care as well as for the miracles that occur day in and day out in the NICUs. With that, however, comes anxiety and always expecting something to be wrong, or hearing terminology to identify us or our situation that is surprising or discouraging (like being categorized as a geriatric pregnancy if you are over 35!).
[Continued from newsletter]
Our home for this work is at the Center for the Developing Child and Family of the Ackerman Institute for the Family. We are now four co-facilitators – Wendy Jo Cole, Maura Dansker, and Genoveva Garcia -- and are starting the ninth month of the group.
Expecting parents can start feeling scrutinized at the time of conception, or even before that--too old or too young, in the right relationship or the wrong relationship, having enough eggs, good quality eggs, or not. This sense of being evaluated can continue over the course of the pregnancy, the labor and delivery, and the beginning of parenting. It seems as if there are traps along the way that conspire to rob you of your value, of who you are, of what’s important to you, and how you want to do things. Yes, there are many professionals who can be hired during this process -- doula, pelvic floor PT, lactation consultant, sleep training expert, infant cranio-sacral practitioner, and so on. Each of those roles can bring reassurance and support, or can bring more evaluation and judgment. In the group we hold each other’s stories, each other’s longings and challenges, and we hold the complexity, the paradox, the uniqueness of each experience.
We have been blessed with a very diverse group -- younger and older, various cultures and nationalities, different family compositions, different social, professional backgrounds -- that has added to the richness of the experience. Our message is that each person matters, each voice is important and contributes to the well-being of others. Time and again we have been touched by the tender, compassionate words that individuals have for each other, those who have gone through the first three months being like big sisters to those who just delivered, and those with a baby are like older sisters to those in their pregnancy.
As I end, I want to leave you with a lullaby. We play a lullaby during each group. Lullabies are not just for babies, they are also for parents, they are for expecting parents, they are for facilitators, they are for siblings. We all need comfort and regulation. This one is called Ninna Nanna di Pace – from Italy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y56t0w2yH_8
This group experience has been a gift for us facilitators. If you or anyone you know wants to check it out, here is more information and a sign-up link.